I first asked this question when I was 14 years old, about the same time my first real girlfriend gave me my first real kiss. I was sure I was "in love" — whatever that meant. I started looking for the answer: first, in the dictionaries and encyclopedias — which were almost helpful; next, because I had also just become very active as a Christian convert, I looked for the answer in the Bible. Of course the place I went first was the "love chapter" at I Corinthians 13. This is a good start, and I soon also looked at I John 4:7-21, which expanded the ideas somewhat (especially with regard to the love relationship between God and His people). I wasn't sure that I understood completely, but I was sure that most of my peers understood even less.
Fast-forward about 48 years: I am still searching for the answer to that question, but I have at last formulated a succinct definition that I am satisfied with:
Note that I've marked this as both a noun and a verb, which is not the "proper" way to present a definition. Normally there are separate descriptions provided for the case where the word is used as a noun and for when it is used as a verb. I have deliberately chosen to break this convention to emphasize that neither concept is complete without the other, love as described in the Bible arises out of a genuine concern for the other and compels one to take action to enhance the well-being of that other.
The first phrase speaks of motivation, of what I value, of what I believe. Whatever good I do for others is not motivated by my needs or desires: for recognition or honor, nor for anticipated reciprocation. The second phrase emphasizes that love is a verb: it speaks of action, of doing, of demonstrating the sincerity and intensity of the concern that motivates us. In the remainder of this document I will attempt to explain why I make these claims.
This definition seems to most closely resemble the Love as Robust Concern section of the Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy article about Love.
As Jesus provided an example of love in his discussion with a lawyer in Luke chapter 10, I have recently seen another example. I've told the story in Doing Love's Errands.
While love, as a verb, is essentially active — a "doing" of something — it grows from and is motivated by a deep concern, a caring, for the well-being of the other person.
It is possible, even likely given the naturally selfish disposition we all have, to take an interest in the well-being of another in hope of gaining some benefit for ourselves. It may be that we're thinking "if I do this for them then they will like me" or even "if I help them now then in the future when I may be in need they will be able to help me". This expectation of reciprocity is natural enough, but the love commanded in scripture arises from sharing the very nature of God, who has no need, is lacking in nothing, and seeks the well-being of people for their own sake, not His.
Another inferior motivation may be a desire for praise or honor: "if I do this act of love then others will think of me as being a virtuous person". The recognition I desire is not blameworthy, but it is not the basis of love.
Love is a recognition of and response to the intrinsic worth of the other. That is to say that the answer to the question that I've sometimes heard "why do you love me?" is not "because I hope you'll love me" nor "because it makes me look good" nor "because it seems the right or noble or honorable thing to do" — it is simply "because you are you: a unique individual created and loved by God himself, and as such you are fully deserving of His love as expressed through His agents (we who have chosen to live in fellowship with Him and in obedience to His will)".
Does this mean that we love others just to earn some sort of heavenly reward? Hmmm... and what makes this "love" any different from altruism?
No matter how much I sincerely care for the well-being of another I have not actually loved them until I've done something for them. In rare cases it may be that the best way to love someone is to let them be.
When I encounter a stranger on the street what can I reasonably do to enhance their well-being? I've read that in some cultures it is not polite to make eye contact with strangers, but in current American society it would be acceptable in most cases to make eye contact briefly and smile. Have I then actually done anything to improve their health and happiness? Yes, I believe so: such an action is certainly more likely to engender in them a sense of peace and comfort than if I had avoided any interaction at all, or worse, if I had scowled or made threatening gestures toward them. If such a simple action as a quick smile for a passing stranger is love, then it no longer seems impossible or unreasonable to seriously contemplate the commands to love one another including even our enemies.
I am reminded of a department store who trained their staff members to approach each customer with a greeting that conveyed their eagerness to satisfy the customer's every desire: "Hello, my name is John. How may I help you?" As I learn to love it is this attitude that I am striving to develop in myself; to initiate every encounter with another — whether feared enemy or dearest friend, total stranger or life-long companion — with this thought: what can I do here and now that will enhance your health and happiness? Now it makes more sense to me that Jesus told his disciples "whoever wants to be great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first among you must be the slave of all." (Mark 10:43-44)
This does not require that I study every potential target of my love in great detail to learn all the details of their personal life so that I can figure out what they need, nor that I develop complex plans for delivering my love service to each person I encounter. It is enough that I maintain an attitude of simple humility toward others and relate to them with honest interest and concern for their needs.
If I wish to enhance the well-being of another, what does that mean? A quick substitution for "well-being" may be "health and happiness". This may prove to be inadequate as we examine the subject further, but it won't be grossly inaccurate.
A potential problem, indeed, likely the biggest problem, is the danger of paternalism. Who am I to say that this or that action, this or that gift, would be best (or even good) for another? Would my good intentions somehow compensate for projecting my own values to reshape them into what I think they should be?
It might be useful to describe in more detail the key points of learning or understanding that got me from somewahat-confused adolescent to being a beginning lover in my maturity.
These three documents are some of my earlier attempts to clarify my thinking about "love".What Does Love Demand? -- an earlier exploration of the question "how can love be a command?" and of what sorts of actions are appropriate (required).
15 AUGUST 2015, 17:33 Love is a genuine concern for, and active promotion of, the well-being of another. Ezekiel 16:49 - "She and her daughters had majesty, abundance of food, and enjoyed carefree ease, but they did not help the poor and needy." Job 22:7 - You gave the weary no water to drink and from the hungry you withheld food. Proverbs 25:21 - If your enemy is hungry, give him food to eat, and if he is thirsty, give him water to drink, Isaiah 58:10 - You must actively help the hungry and feed the oppressed. Ezekiel 18:16 - does not oppress anyone or keep what has been given in pledge, does not commit robbery, gives his food to the hungry, and clothes the naked, Romans 12:9-21 Isaiah 32:6 - For a fool speaks disgraceful things; his mind plans out sinful deeds. He commits godless deeds and says misleading things about the Lord; he gives the hungry nothing to satisfy their appetite and gives the thirsty nothing to drink.
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